As part of the launch of our Organizer Toolkit, we’ve invited local organizers to share their stories to help illuminate why and how Nuns & Nones thrives where they live. Download the (free!) organizer toolkit here.
After the Honeymoon
Sustaining Deep Relationships in Grand Rapids, MI
As with any dialogue across difference, there are bound to be bumpy moments. At one point, it felt like the “honeymoon phase” of the Grand Rapids “Sisters & Seekers” group was over. But rather than view this shift as a loss, the group took an intentional “pause” in order to collectively discern how to continue to deepen in community. At this “Pause” gathering, the group discussed and then wrote “Conversation Guidelines” that have guided their conversations ever since - making the journey, even the hard conversations, ever more smooth along the way. We caught up with Ellie Hutchison Cervantes and Sr. Justine Kane, OP to hear their reflections.
You all created this Conversations Guidelines resource after several months of gathering. Can you share what motivated you to create this?
Sr. Justine Kane: In one meeting, there was a conversation in which some folks did most of the talking and interjecting, while others felt as if they could not enter the conversation easily or at all. It seemed helpful to make the group aware of the feelings of the group as a whole, to not only discuss our “unwritten” guidelines, but also to put them down on paper and ask each participant to commit to them.
Ellie Hutchison Cervantes: That conversation was a turning point because it made us aware of the challenges that can arise when engaging in honest conversations across both religious and generational divides. In this case, the topic of the conversation was about queer identity and faith. Even though all participants were affirming of queerness, it’s still a very personal topic, with various levels of familiarity among the group members. Especially as the topics explored become more sensitive, personal, or potentially controversial, it’s wise to have some guidelines to assist us as we enter these discussions.
How did you go about writing your conversation guidelines?
EHC: We had a gathering to pause, check-in, and re-center as a community. Individually, we spent 10 minutes reflecting on the following questions: What draws you here? Why do you show up? What is the purpose of this community? How do you think we can create a more generous, open space? Then, we spent about 20 minutes in pairs—one Sister with one non-Sister—to share our answers and discuss them together. Then, we shared our responses with the entire group and identified commonalities. We developed the conversation guidelines based on those commonalities and shared values they spoke to.
How have these guidelines helped your group ever since?
EHC: We often read the guidelines at the beginning of gatherings, especially if someone is attending for the first time. They are helpful in community formation, re-centering before engaging in a conversation, and in reminding us how we want to be together.
JK: I think it has helped to have them on a bookmark that we can refer to and to be reminded of them periodically.
What is your advice to other groups that encounter challenging conversations?
EHC: Take a deep breath and remember that having honest conversations about things that matter is simply challenging. Having these conversations across generational and religious divides is even more challenging, but it is also incredibly enriching. I would advise groups to be realistic, expect occasional bumps, lean into the discomfort when it arises, and commit to extending grace and understanding to one another.
JK: I think listening is a learned skill. We all assume we’re good at it, and sometimes we are - but there are also strategies that listeners can employ which communicate that they are listening. I think it’s helpful for groups to continue to work on one particular skill or other for a time. Basic tools like a verbal stem (e.g., “what I hear you saying is…” or “I would like to build on what _____ is saying…”) or non-verbal strategy (e.g., nodding, looking at the speaker) can help us all continue to grow in our ability to listen.
The Grand Rapids “Sisters and Seekers” group has been meeting regularly since April 2017. Here are their recommended “sources of inspiration” for conversation guidelines. Their own guidelines are below.
Better Conversations Guide developed by On Being’s Civil Conversations Project
Invitation to Brave Space developed by Mickey ScottBey Jones
Circle of Trust Touchstones developed by Parker Palmer and Center for Courage & Renewal
See our Local Organizing Toolkit for their Conversation Guidelines & more.
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